As of right now, there are only two things in this world that I am absolutely sure of:
- The first is that hundreds of thousands of West Virginians are currently suffering the effects of a massive chemical spill that has proven to be the most hazardous environmental crisis in the United States since the BP Gulf Oil Disaster, and that this crisis has garnered a collective "meh", from the national news media who prefer to spend their time speculating about who's running for President in 2016 and what specific drugs Jacqueline Bisset was on during her Golden Globes acceptance speech.
- The second is that I cannot grow a proper beard to save my life.
First Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water"What is the First Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off?", you conveniently and theoretically ask.
Well! It is an epic battle betwixt man and nature, in which I don't shave for 30 days and post pictures of how ridiculous and unfortunate I look in exchange for your hard earned Samolians, which will then go to The West Virginia Clean Water Hub (https://www.facebook.com/WVCleanWaterHub) and the Keeper of the Mountains Foundation (http://www.mountainkeeper.org/), who will then use that money to buy for thousands of West Virginia residents such essentials as:
- Bottled Water
- Hand Sanitizer
- Gallons of Drinking and Spring Water
- Disinfecting Wipes
- Did I mention that they need water?
So, my fellow Americans, support your brothers and sisters in West Virginia by supporting the slow disappearance of anything remotely approaching attractiveness on my face by giving money in proportion to the amount of unsightly facial hair I am able to grow.
What will you get for your support, I mean besides the satisfaction of knowing that you have provided the most vital element of life to people in need of charitable assistance?
Well, for starters, you will get daily updates of my progress (or regress, depending on your point of view) on my long journey to bearddom, most of which can be found at this site and on my blog (www.virallysuppressed.com). You will also receive updates on the situation on the ground in West Virginia, including a chance to see exactly where and who your generous donations are going to help.
Here are more photos from West Virginia of some of the water and baby wipes and such that have been purchased and distributed using money that came from the 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water.
If you haven't donated yet, I urge you to consider it, even if it's only a dollar or two...it makes a difference.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
In addition to the 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water, I give you the 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Sugarless Gummi Bear Eat-Off for Clean Water.
What does a this Gummi Bear Eat-Off entail?
Well, for every 5 dollars you donate to help provide clean drinking and bathing water for the people of west virginia, i will eat one sugarless haribo gummi bear, up to 200 gummi bears.
This may sound like a lot of money per
bear, but if the amazon reviews (http://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy...) are any indication, just 20 of these
little bastards can make your colon explode. Seriously, these Gummi Bears are the spawn of Satan and I will eat them for your
perverse, vicarious enjoyment in exchange for donations to help the
300,000 plus West Virginians who have been without clean water for
nearly two weeks now.
So make a donation now specifying that you're contributing to the sugarless gummi bear eat-off and know that even 5 measly dollars could result in unparalleled gastrointestinal internet hilarity!