The 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water

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Raising funds for West Virginians in dire need of clean water in the most badass way possible...by growing beards
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Drew Gibson
300 Facebook Friends
Environment
Cincinnati, Ohio
United States
1 Team Member

As of right now, there are only two things in this world that I am absolutely sure of:

  • The first is that hundreds of thousands of West Virginians are currently suffering the effects of a massive chemical spill that has proven to be the most hazardous environmental crisis in the United States since the BP Gulf Oil Disaster, and that this crisis has garnered a collective "meh", from the national news media who prefer to spend their time speculating about who's running for President in 2016 and what specific drugs Jacqueline Bisset was on during her Golden Globes acceptance speech.
  • The second is that I cannot grow a proper beard to save my life.
Now, to the untrained eye, it would seem as though these two things have absolutely nothing in common. On the one hand, you have an environmental disaster wherein up to 7,500 gallons of 4-methylcyclohexane, a chemical used by coal companies in washing off all of the waste particles that cling to newly mined coal, was leaked into the Elk River, almost immediately tainting the water supply of about 300,000 West Virginians in and around Charleston. On the other, you have a genetic makeup that does not allow me to grow a full, lush, Grizzly Adams type beard, but rather, a patchy, vaguely post-pubescent facial abomination that looks like a Chia Pet that hasn't been watered properly. And, up until today, that untrained eye would have been right in thinking these facts to be unrelated...but not anymore. Because today is the start of the:

First Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water

"What is the First Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off?", you conveniently and theoretically ask.

Well! It is an epic battle betwixt man and nature, in which I don't shave for 30 days and post pictures of how ridiculous and unfortunate I look in exchange for your hard earned Samolians, which will then go to The West Virginia Clean Water Hub (https://www.facebook.com/WVCleanWaterHub) and the Keeper of the Mountains Foundation (http://www.mountainkeeper.org/), who will then use that money to buy for thousands of West Virginia residents such essentials as:

  • Bottled Water
  • Hand Sanitizer
  • Gallons of Drinking and Spring Water
  • Disinfecting Wipes
  • Did I mention that they need water?
Right now, even after the West Virginia American Water Company and West Virginia State Officials have removed do-not-use orders on the areas affected by the spill, the water supply is still causing harmful side effects such as nausea and skin irritation, and the lack of research on 4-methylcyclohexane means that we have no idea what the long term and teratogenic effects of these chemicals are.

So, my fellow Americans, support your brothers and sisters in West Virginia by supporting the slow disappearance of anything remotely approaching attractiveness on my face by giving money in proportion to the amount of unsightly facial hair I am able to grow.

What will you get for your support, I mean besides the satisfaction of knowing that you have provided the most vital element of life to people in need of charitable assistance?

Well, for starters, you will get daily updates of my progress (or regress, depending on your point of view) on my long journey to bearddom, most of which can be found at this site and on my blog (www.virallysuppressed.com). You will also receive updates on the situation on the ground in West Virginia, including a chance to see exactly where and who your generous donations are going to help.

Update, 1/25/14:


Here are more photos from West Virginia of some of the water and baby wipes and such that have been purchased and distributed using money that came from the 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water.

If you haven't donated yet, I urge you to consider it, even if it's only a dollar or two...it makes a difference.




Update, 1/22/14:

Ladies and Gentlemen,

In addition to the 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Bad Beard-Off for Clean Water, I give you the 1st Inaugural Mountaineer Sugarless Gummi Bear Eat-Off for Clean Water.

What does a this Gummi Bear Eat-Off entail?

Well, for every 5 dollars you donate to help provide clean drinking and bathing water for the people of west virginia, i will eat one sugarless haribo gummi bear, up to 200 gummi bears. 


This may sound like a lot of money per bear, but if the amazon reviews (http://slightlyviral.com/beware-sugarless-gummy...) are any indication, just 20 of these little bastards can make your colon explode. Seriously, these Gummi Bears are the spawn of Satan and I will eat them for your perverse, vicarious enjoyment in exchange for donations to help the 300,000 plus West Virginians who have been without clean water for nearly two weeks now.

So make a donation now specifying that you're contributing to the sugarless gummi bear eat-off and know that even 5 measly dollars could result in unparalleled gastrointestinal internet hilarity!


$590USD
raised by 27 people in 1 month
12% funded
0 time left
$5,000 USD goal
Flexible Funding This campaign has ended and will receive all funds raised.
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This campaign ended on February 20, 2014
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  • $25USD
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    The Creepy Daguerreotype

    I will send you a old daguerreotype with a bizarre inscription on the back.

    6 out of 20 claimed

    Estimated delivery: February 2014
  • $15USD
    Picture Postcard From Nowhere

    Ever seen a picture postcard at a gift shop or a gas station and thought, "who the hell would buy this?" Well, I have 20 of those cards...all made before 1970 and showing such tourist meccas as the Flying Saucer gas station in Ashtabula, OH and The World's Largest Buffalo in Jamestown, ND

    1 out of 20 claimed

    Estimated delivery: February 2014
  • $50USD
    The Angry Congressional Letter

    For a mere $50, I will write out and give you a copy of a furious, potentially epithet laden letter to the Congressperson of your choice. You can choose whether or not to actually send it to said Congressional douchebag or if you just want to hang it on your wall for posterity.

    0 out of 10 claimed

    Estimated delivery: February 2014
  • $100USD
    The (Non) Dairy Challenge

    If you donate at least $100, I will make a YouTube video of me chugging either some particularly bitter/off-putting substance (lemon juice, Tabasco, etc...) or a dairy product. I'm telling you people, the unintentional comedy quotient on this is through the roof.

    0 out of 5 claimed

    Estimated delivery: February 2014
  • $500USD
    Tour of Kayford Mountain

    For our biggest supporters, we have a trip to Stanley Heirs Park on Kayford Mountain in Southern West Virginia, where you can see with unparalleled clarity and force just how much of a toll Mountaintop Removal and Strip Mining have taken on the environment in Appalachia.

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    Estimated delivery: May 2014
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