Rob Ford!! The Musical!! It's Not Over 'til the Fat Man Sings!!

GRAVY TRAIN TOWN THEATRE Presents "A Cracktacular Mayoral Musical Satire" by Bernard Maieaaz and Donna Lypchuk
Donna Lypchuk
Toronto, Ontario
1 Team Member

How often have you heard someone say lately – “Wouldn’t the Rob Ford Story make a great musical?  Wouldn’t it make a great opera? It’s an epic tale!!” 

Well, we sure thought so because for the past five weeks we have been in a creative fever- writing and composing exactly that!  Our keyboards are smoking and all of our circuits singed from burning the candle at both ends to get our cracktackular production of of Rob Ford!! The Musical!! –It’s Not Over Until the Fat Man Sings!” to the point of digital mastery!

Who Is Gravy Train Theatre?

We are Bernard Maiezza and Donna Lypchuk, the dream team behind Gravy Train Theatre and “Rob Ford!! The Musical! – It’s Not Over Until the Fat Man Sings!” 

Since early September 2013, both of us have been collaborating on a traditional five-act two-hour musical with a full soundtrack and written ALL in rhyme about the hee-larious, jaw-dropping, council-stopping, stupefying, terrifying, bumbling, stumbling and sometimes also quite poignant antics of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

In fact, we were recently inspired to put the project on Indiegogo just simply because some of the lyrics we have written so far have turned out to be quite prophetic about recent events; we just could not resist the kismet that might be associated with that kind of synchronicity!

Also this is a TORONTO story and Torontonians should own this epic tale in an acomplished, witty and professional manner that brings positive energy, enthusiasm and support for the arts to this city!

We Are Getting This Done! Now!

If you want to hear samples of our song writing go here now. (Tech Tip - the Press Play  button is at very top of web page in upper left-hand corner.

Songs With Lyrics as sung by Guy Alaimo

There are three songs without lyrics in a 2:30 clip including –

1.  Ford Nation Sensation – The theme song of a popular Mayor

2.  Etobicoke Strip Mall Metal – The anthem of Doug and Rob Ford’s Youth

3.  Drug Lord Swan Song – A “rap-sody” for a street gang

If you want see a scene sample scroll to the bottom of the page and start reading under the heading  DOUG FORD’S SONG.  Fun Fact:  this scene was written by Donna weeks before the actual “crack confession” transpired on November 4, 2013.

Over the next few weeks of this Indiegogo campaign we will also be uploading other musical clips and scenes from our musical so be sure to stay tuned to this Indie Gogo page and also our facebook page at


Don't forget as well that you can contribute any amount you like and that you can also donate without revealing your name.


Benefits to You, Toronto and Our Cultural Community.

We are asking for $42,500 for the three months it will take us to fully compose and complete the musical as well as hire singers and actors to help us refine it and record it.  This is Phase I of a process that will hopefully catapult this to the stage.

This musical will be completely digitally recorded with a full score that will be accompanied by a full script so that it can be performed easily without an orchestra.


The script is designed so that it can be performed with a cast of less than twenty or more and thus be performed inexpensively by theatre groups of all sizes and income again and again.

This project will bring the City of Toronto a lot of positive attention, employment for actors and musicians. Wealso firmly believe that, for better or worse, that Rob Ford has become such a huge international celebrity (even if for all the wrong reasons) that a musical like this would be a hit with the tourists!

Our Creative Vision

We see Rob Ford as the contemporary Every Man, a Canadian Family Guy like Peter Griffin and the ultimate Canadian Hoser Anti-hero of Strip Mall suburbia whose story is almost as mythic in porportion to his girth.  Yet as yet also a tragic figure running a comedy of terrors in his personal life and at City Hall; the bully who once bullied and who has a big brother that is always doing his homework for him.  We want to write a great musical about the human condition, not just an SCTV sketch, that truly gives a bit of a pang to the heart . We write songs that you will be humming in the shower and lyrics that will be stolen by late-night show writers.

We have already been busy scrying the highlights of the surreal and highly entertaining movie trailer that make up the Mayor’s fascinating, complex character and life. This musicial biopic is our melodious homage to all of the wonderful “Canadian Heritage Moments” that Mayor Ford has brought the City of Toronto so far … we feel that Mayor Ford’s issues, such as his addiction, are be like the Toronto version of “Breaking Bad” but with a touch of the buffoon. His foibles are a mirror of how Canadian society has changed from one that has blind faith into a barely working system to one that has woken up from a bad dream and is now going to do somethng about it.

Our Commitment to Quality Entertainment

When you donate money to us we want you to be thinking about writer/composer teams such as Elton John and Bernie Taupin, Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice or Andrew Rainger and Dorothy Parker. We are aspiring to be nothing less than then the best and will be creating a musical that Toronto will be proud to see playing on world stages.  We want our songs to be like earworms that you cannot get out of your heads and to write lyrics that you can sing along to, just like in The Rocky Horror Theater Show or Jesus Christ Superstar.

It is important for Torontonians to own this epic story and handle it with the wit, humor and sophisticated insight that characterizes our arts community.

Rob Ford. That's entertainment! This stuff practically writes itself!!


Bernard Maiezza is a veteran member of many successful Toronto bands including Change of Heart, A Neon Rome and Cookie Duster (just to name a few.) He is also a reknowned composer and music producer who has scored the soundtracks to many feature films including the Genie Nominated soundtrack to Trigger (2010), Orange Witness (2012), Cherical (2009), The Tracey Fragments (2008) and The Last Feast (2007). His T.V. soundtracks include Gatroblasters (2013), Klang Invasion (2009) and Dudson (2005).  His dulcet and persuasive sound stylings are familiar to many in commercials for KFC, Jaffa, Bell, Rogers, Ford, Chevrolet, Arby’s, Sears and the Playboy Channel.  He also recorded and produced Broken Social Scene in The Time Travellers Wife (2008.)

Donna Lypchuk is a humorist, short story writer and critic with thousands of publication and broadcasting credits to her name. She is best known for her column “the necrofile” (eye magazine 1993 -2000) that is compiled into two collections “the necrofiles” (Gutter Press:1993) and “Necrofiles II” (Insomniac Press;1993.) 

In 1998 her two-hour five-act musical “Tragedy of Manners” opened the mainstage season at Theatre Passe Muraille with a cast of 43. This landmark production,about Queen Street West and the residents of the Cameron Hotel, was directed by artistic director Clark Rogers. It ran for 10 weeks; a big first for a non-equity large scale musical in Toronto and it stilll is the largest local business and community supported non-union musical production ever staged in Canada. She is also a past resident of the Canadian Center for Film Studies screenwriting program and has previously screenplays optioned with Alliance Entertainment, Dominion Pictures, Miracle Pictures, Shadow Shows and others.


Media inquiries –


Note to the reader – There are many musical themes in this one scene and Doug Ford’s Song is actually three “parodies of melodies” in one performance.  We will be uploading additional scenes and tunes during the next few weeks of the campaign.

The time line on this in the Rob Ford epic tale is just before there is an announcement that the cell video has been seen by a Toronto Star Reporter.

Doug Ford’s  Song

The strains of Ford Nation Sensation fade away. The Chorus (Members of the Press) crowd about the Mayor who is not visible. Doug Holyday is napping in a chair at the side of the stage.

Doug Ford pushes the members of the press aside.

Members of the Press

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Can we have one minute of your time!

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Did you commit that heinous crime?

Rob Ford pushes his way upstage past the crowd.

Rob Ford

Hey guys, move out of my way!

Are you deaf? I said! NO QUESTIONS TODAY!!

Members of the Press

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Are you addicted to meth cocaine?

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor

Why do you look like you’re in pain?

Rob Ford

Hey guys give me a break!

All you do is take, take, take!

All you do is write lies, lies, lies!

Delivery Guy:

Here Mr. Mayor is your gravy with fries.

Deadpan to audience “I hear its good for a hangover!”

Doug Ford addresses The Members of the Press

Doug Ford

I just don’t know what’s with you guys

My brother does not do coke

You’re all over him like a bunch of flies

You’re a friggin bloody joke

The Globe and Mail, The National Post and

And the stupid Toronto Staarrr

All I know is that no decent folk

Would let this go so far!

Rob Ford (pointing to Doug Holyday)

All he knows is that no decent folk 

Would let this go this far

Isn’t that right, Doug? 

Doug Holy Day: (waking from nap – not in rhyme)

“Choo choo all aboard the gravy train?”

Is it my turn?  Who quit now?

All I know is that Rob Ford is a good boy!

Time for sleep now …zzzz


I am the daytime reporter

From CP 24…

Since eight o clock this morning

I ‘ve been standing at your door!!

Rob Ford:

Who gives a crap what you do!

Get rid of this media whore!!!

The press crowds in on Ford.  The flashbulbs pop!

Do you guys mind?

I’m going blind!!

Reporter:  Mr. Mayor are you addicted to crack!

Ford:  No, I always hang out with guys that are black!!

Reporter: You’re the world’s worst Mayor you really stink!

Doug Ford:  I have never seen my brother once take a drink!

Doug Holy Day (in doddering voice)

Is something happening?

What should I say?

I didn’t read the Toronto Sun today!!

Chorus Members read newspapers with Front Page of Toronto Star Open

“Mayor Caught Smoking Crack!” Headline.

Rob Ford  (aside to Doug Ford)

Who the feck is this Lois Lane?

I heard she’s some kind of slut

Doug Ford

Just focus on the gravy train

I’ll make sure that tape is kaput!

Rob Ford  (vaudeville type conversation)

Who does she that reporter think she is anyways?

Doug Ford

She’s no Sunshine Girl that’s for sure!!

Why the hell were you in that apartment?

Rob Ford

I don’t know its all a blur!!

Rob Ford (whispering to Doug)

Do you think they know about the tranny?

Who could tell for goodness sake?

Doug Ford

For a guy he had a beautiful fanny

It was an innocent mistake

They nudge and smile. The flashbulbs pop. They pose!

Rob Ford

On the back page of the Toronto SUN!!

WHO KNEW IT WAS A MAN For Pet’es Sake!

Doug pats Rob on the back and gets out a giant bottle of ADD pills.

(back to song)

The Press

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Why won’t you answer back!

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Is it true that you do crack?

Doug Ford

Don’t you worry brother!

I’ll protect you from this crowd!

Rob Ford

They’re just a bunch of bullies

And they’re gettting kind of loud

This is the mayor’s office

And it’s not’s so dignified

I really think these losers

Should make their way outside!

Doug Ford

Excuse me folks get out of our way!

Rob Ford

I have a city to run and I don’t have all day.


The city today is going to be really really busy!

Rob Ford

I don’t know why this crack video thing has you all in such... a …tizzy!!!

Rob Ford stumbles around as if blinded and walks right into a camera.

Jeez, you guys ow!

Doug Ford

Okay that’s enough questions for now!

Rob Ford exits howling in pain.

The Chorus howls with him and then it dissolves into laughter.

Reporter 1:

Did you see that?  He’s the biggest buffoon!


Watch where you’re going, what a maroon!

Reporter 2

He’s so stupid!.  He’s the stupidest mayor we have ever had!

Reporter 1

He’s an embarrassment to Toronto making us all look bad!

Reporter 2

Caught doing crack on a cellphone – what a big mess!

Reporter 1

He can’t get away with this. He will be crucified in the press!

The stage goes darker

Crowd  (a la Jesus Christ Superstar)

Yes!!  Crucify him.

Crucify him!

Crucify him in the press!

Crucify him!

Crucify him!

Crucify him in the press!

Crucify him in Now Magazine

Crucify him in the Grid!

Crucify him on Gawker

For the Highest Bid!!

Crucify him in the morning

Crucify him at night

Crucify him on Facebook

The Toronto Star is Right!!

(going all Bob Fosse with chugg a chugg sound the Mayor)

Crucify him. Crucify him. Crucify him.

Doug Ford


Chorus of Press stops and looks at him

Just stop what you are doing and take a look at yourselves!!!

You’re not HUMAN You’re like  a pack of wolves looking for blood!! MY BROTHER”S BLOOD!  The Mayor of Toronto’s BLOOD!  The MAYOR that most people, except for some artists and haters downtown voted for with an OVERWHELMING MAJORITY!



(The chorus stops and hangs its head – a spotlight appears on Doug Ford for his big number.) *Indiegogo layout fields would not let us do some formatting spacing that are in the real script.

What kind of people are you?

Are you not ….human too?

Don’t you see what I see?

He’s my little brother Robbie

Since the age of three

He has always needed me

And I have always told him where to go

Because yes, he can be a little slow

He’s not a monster like you think!

Or compensating because of a little dink!

He’s not a bully or a drunk

He’s not a dirty rotten skunk

If only you could see the boy

The boy that brought me so much joy

We ran and played and rode our bikes

We played football in brand new Nikes

He comes off real tough but he’s a real good guy

You don’t know it but you can make him cry!

He loves his boys and and is a real team player

IT was quite an accomplishment when he became Mayor!!

He’s just a man, like any man that you would see

At the height of his powers like Harry Houdini

It was always his dream to be the Mayor

As he never was a lady slayer

He never did drugs, no not at all

Even when we went to the Fairview Mall

And he always looked up to me

And I am the one who made him see

That he was not the sniveling coward Rob Ford

But a popular youth leader we all adored.

I’m the man who taught him cool

And how to cheat on tests in school

And how to comb his mullet straight up

And how to do the Etobicoke strip mall strut

And I am the man who is always there

Even, but especially when LIFE’s NOT FAIR….

The time he got his tongue stuck on fence…

The time he got stuck paying two rents…

The time he got pulled over for smoking dope…

I am there for him when he just. Can’t. Cope!

The time he subpoenaed the wife  (pauses awkwardly a bar)

Hey folks, that’s just life!

Can’t you see who he is?

How can you be so blind?

He’s a man like you and I!!

Why be so unkind?

He’s just a Mayor not the Super Mayor

Not a monster dragon slayer

He has needs like you and I…

Why can’t you see..?

Who Robert Ford is to meeee….

I am there for you Robbie.

You are my little brother

Nobody messes with us

Or our mother

I am there for you Robbie

You have made us so proud

When you became Mayor

I wanted to shout so loud

Whenever you need me

You need only whisper my name

I will appear in a dream

And we will play our best game

We’re going to win this thing Robbie

We’re going to do what it takes

In the Land of Never Give UP

There Are No Fucking Mistakes

And if anyone messes with you

They have to mess with me

Because I have been looking after you

Since the age of three!

I am there for you Robbie!

Like a blooming man flower!

And if nobody understands you …

Well I do…

Don’t worry Robbie!

Because I got your back

Even though I probably know

That you did all that crack!

It us against them!

Them against us!

I won’t let them throw you

Under the bus!

I can see through your smile

My brave little guy

When they call you a liar

For you will I lie

For you I would die!

You’re my brother…

I am there!

I am there!

I am there!

For youuuu!!!!

The Press looks on dumbfounded.  Doug Holyday starts a slow clap. 


Crucify him!




Yes!!  Crucify him.

Crucify him!

Crucify him in the press!

Crucify him!

Crucify him!

Crucify him in the press!

Crucify him Now Magazine

Crucify him in the Grid!

Crucify him on Gawker

For the Highest Bid

Crucify him in the morning

Crucify him  =at night

Crucify him on Facebook

The Toronto Star is Right!!

(going all Bob Fosse with chugg a chugg sound)

Crucify him. Crucify him. Crucify him!

For more scenes, tunes and regular updates as to our creative progress, please join or Facebook page called Rob Ford - The Musical.


Songs With Lyrics as sung by Guy Alaimo

Find This Campaign On
raised in 2 months
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$42,500 USD goal
Flexible Funding This campaign has ended and will receive all funds raised.
Campaign Closed
This campaign ended on January 6, 2014
Select a Perk
  • $10USD
    Download of Soundtrack

    You will be offered a link with a free download to the entire musical score when completed

    2 out of 3000 claimed
    Estimated delivery: March 2014
  • $25USD
    Limited Edition CD PLUS

    Limited Edition CD of entire musical store plus access to free download.

    2 out of 1000 claimed
    Estimated delivery: March 2014
  • $50USD
    T Shirt PLUS

    Limited Edition Rob Ford The Musical T-Shirt plus free download

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  • $75USD
    T-shirt, CD PLUS

    Limited Edition Rob Ford The Musical T-Shirt, CD plus Free Download ( T-Shirt available sooner than March 31)

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    Estimated delivery: April 2014
  • $100USD
    Autographed Script PLUS

    Autographed Rob the Ford Musical script with a T-Shirt, CD, plus download

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    Estimated delivery: January 2014
  • $150USD
    Thanks Autographed Script PLUS

    Published thank you on recording plus T-Shirt, CD, plus download access - T-Shirt available sooner.

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  • $500USD
    Sing on the Soundtrack PLUS

    Sing a part on the soundtrack recording plus a thank you on the sleeve plus CD, T-Shirt and download access

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    Estimated delivery: February 2014
  • $1,000USD
    Cast Member Opening Night PLUS

    Be a Cast Member or relative can be plus CD, T-Shirt, Download (performance date to be determined but some perks in this package availalbe earlier) and thank you in program and on CD

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  • $1,500USD
    We record a song about you!

    We will write and record a song just for and all about you in the style of Rob Ford the Musical plus a CD, T-shirt, download, free tickets to opening and thank you in program and CD

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    Estimated delivery: January 2014
  • $2,500USD
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    Official Executive Producer plus T-shirt, download, and CD, comps

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