Felix Clay's Creative Debt Relief

For one dollar I am going to write you a personalized, 100 word story. You give me your name and I will provide a custom, short story about us. will it be a romance? Ooh. A Western? Yippy kai ay! A horror? Eek and such! Hard to say, but it'll be one of a kind and feature you and I as the heroes!

if 100 words doesn't cut the mustard for you, then this might. You get a full 500 word story, just you and me, and you get to tell me the genre. Choose from; -horror -sci fi -western -superhero -romance Imagine you and me fighting aliens, or maybe seducing them in a sci fi romance, who am I to judge? It's your story!

Straight from the archives comes something no human has laid eyes on in over a decade: Felix Clay Mysteries. When I was in highschool i had a weird habit of writing short, obscene noir stories that had the barest semblance of a plot and mostly existed to give me an opportunity to make my friends laugh at a handful of low brow dick jokes. For this perk you're getting all four stories I dredged up from the archives, a stunning 10,000+ words of absolute knock off noir detective insanity!

Twice the money, twice the prize! it's one thousand words of custom entertainment! You provide your name and let me know what genre you want, and go ahead and decide who's the hero and/or the villain. Will we be buddy cops? will you be the mad scientist and I your creation? I guess you'll have to let me know!

Did you know I'm not just a writer, I'm also an artist? It's not true at all. I can't draw to save my life. But man can I doodle. For $25 you're getting an honest to goodness Felix Clay original, hand-drawn doodle that includes a 200 word backstory for said doodle. Will it be of a cowboy riding a snake? A shoe that seems unhappy? Gary Busey? Oh, the possibilities.

Imagine your own 500 word story centered around a super secret thing. Is it a magical watch? An ancient medallion? A dollar store pregnancy test? You won't know until you get it. But you will get it, in your hand, in a package that includes two actual mementos from the story itself. Oh, that's right. I will mail you a 500 word story, all swanky and printed nice, plus the two key items the story is about - actual Felix mementos! ART HAS COME TO LIFE!

Using nothing but the condiments in my fridge and an actual, art canvas of a fairly small size I will paint you one original picture that shames all the paintings made by apes, monkeys, dogs and elephants in the past!

This is a sweet chunk of change and it makes me happy you care so much. For $50 sweet bones I am going to write you a fatty 2000 word story and I'll print the damn thing on my very own home printer and then sign it with something vaguely legible! then I'll mail it to you in an envelope I licked!

$75 is getting substantial so i'm going to give you a tangible thing. If you donate $75 I will mail you the Felix Clay Surprise Pack. What's in it? The sentimental value is way over $75. the practical value is probably less. But it will be one of a kind and completely special, just for you. Will it contain limericks? Iced tea? A can of tuna? Wait and see!

This is a big deal. $100 doesn't seem like much, but if 250 people are kind enough to give me $100 I'm out of debt and that means a lot to me. And since you all know me from writing on Cracked what I'm offering is your own, personal Cracked-style article. Any subject you want (as long as I don't deem it personally objectionable) and possibly poorly researched, but yours and fully unique!

This is kind of special and a late addition to the perk game - Necromancer is a full length screenplay I wrote that just about no one has ever read. It's horror, it's a fun take on zombie movies and it has gore to spare. For $150 you get a printed and bound copy signed by me! Be one of the first humans ever to read it and see if it's as awesome as we can all assume a zombie movie written by me would be. This will ship after the campaign ends!

I won't just write you a full length, personalized, one of a kind Cracked-style article, I'll format it, print it up nice and pretty, slap it in a shiny new display folder, sign it and mail it to your door. How ya like them apples?

For $300 you can choose a half hour show on Netflix and we'll totally have a Netflix date watching the episode together on the phone. This is absolutely as awesome as it sounds. Yes I will block my number.

The Triple Threat is not 1, not 2 but 3 screenplays written by yours truly. Printed, bound and signed by me, you'll get Necromancer, Forevertown & Killface. Necromancer: A magician takes a terrible risk to save his girlfriend and must pay the price when it goes wrong Killface: The residents of a summer camp are picked off one by one by a killer who can change his face Forevertown: A man wakes up in the afterlife only to discover Heaven & Hell have been replaced by Forevertown

This is the big time. You must really like me. You don't need a a short story written about you, you need to be a part of me for the rest of my life. For $1000 I will get your full, real name (no faking me out for comedy) tattooed on me. I will take photos of the tattooing process and the final product just to prove it to you as well.

Say, have you ever seen my column header on Cracked? It features Tyrannocopters, which are awesome tyrannosaur/helicopter hybrids. For $5000 i will get a tyrannocopter featuring you as a pilot tattooed on me with you yelling a battle cry out the window. The tattoo process will be fully documented to prove its authenticity, just provide your name and a photo!

This is the craziest thing I can do for you. this will bond us for all time. I will get a full back portrait tattoo of your big, smiling face. The whole process will be documented for authenticity so you know it's real. i will literally have you on my entire back for the rest of my life. Make me proud!